Ages & Stages

The terrible twos. Any mom can attest this developmental stage in a toddler is real. Quick mood changes, frequent tantrums, and arguments about independence seem to outweigh the moments of blissful pride that accompany each passing milestone.

I can still vividly remember, even almost 20 years later, watching my son lay himself out on the floor of a store when I dared to interrupt him by insisting it was time to leave the toy department. Conversations consisted of the words "no", "mine" and "I do it"! And even though I knew his behavior was developmentally appropriate, it still didn't end my exasperation.

Fast forward almost two decades...and I'm still exasperated. Only this time I'm the one behaving like a two year old. Just as he didn't understand the intense range of emotions, which caused him to act out; I am genuinely feeling overwhelmed by my feelings and I feel as if I'm falling apart. And in reality, I think I would feel better if I could just lay down on the floor somewhere, kicking and screaming.

Let me back up a little to say that one of my worst fears was that sharing this struggle with others would somehow set me up for failure. Somehow that talking about something bad, can make it come true? So here I am, almost two weeks after my last post feeling out-of-control, pushing against the rules, limits and boundaries that are only there to help me succeed. But I won't lie, I'm ready to quit because I can't have my way.

After my second week of only 800 calories/day I actually gained a pound! Seriously? Why does it have to be so hard? To watch others eat whatever they want? Why do I want to sign up for this if I'm going to feel like a failure despite working so hard. So I stuck out my bottom lip, set my jaw and all-out rebelled. I did everything in complete opposition to what I knew to be right, for no other reason than just because I could. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. Oh, there were a few days I started out with good intentions but slipped right back into old patterns and behaviors, enjoying the feelings that the food fueled - even though temporary.

I was mildly surprised when I didn't gain any weight at the end of that third week (of course, I didn't lose any either). So with renewed determination, I set out, again, on the path that leads to my own personal mountain. But alas, I never made it past the place where my feet actually touched the ground. So, here I sit, sprawled out in the middle of the floor...easily frustrated, insisting on doing things my own way, unwilling to change my current activity, extremely demanding and persistent, fearful of but comfortable with my fears and behaviors.

...I just thought I was ready to let go and walk by myself.

MercyMe - Beautiful

This is to remind me and many others who believe the lie that they have no worth or purpose more than they believe the Truth about who they really are. Your beauty is found in the cross of Christ and you have great worth apart from your performance on this earth...Jesus said so. And His words are forever written in blood.

Will the Defendant Please Rise?

Letting go. Letting go of bad friends, last year's clothes, and money - easy. Letting go of bad habits, extra pounds and our kids? Not so much. Why is it so hard? This thought raced around and around my mind today as we were driving to Wayland Baptist University in Plainview, TX for a Pigskin Preview Day (Woo-hoo! Football!) with Daniel, our middle son. All of my boys are still at home and despite all my joking about having the nest too 'well-feathered', I can think of nothing that brings me more joy than having them choose to stay at home while they attend a local college and make their future plans.

But now, there is a strong possibility that we could soon be one little birdie short of a full nest. The opportunity is awesome and his desire to move on to bigger challenges and new horizons is evident. But why now? And why does it seem more of a challenge to mom than son? After all, we have settled into a familiar routine of classes and jobs, shuffling cars to see who gets to drive the one with the best heater, eating dinner together and just hanging out. A controlled chaos! Could it be that letting go comes with too many fears? The fear of losing that control, however tight our grip may be?

Lots of fears lately. Afraid of heights, especially when I look down instead of up. Fear of finding out that the things and people you thought were forever, really aren't. Fear of trusting, people and God. Again. Fear of losing (the battle), fear of gaining (the weight), LOL!

FEAR. Someone once told me that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. It's when we start looking at everything but the truth that fear bangs the gavel. And everything is not always what it seems to be; especially when you invite God into your courtroom.

The university's coach quoted Scripture during his address to a room full of young men and their families who may be challenged to face their own mountains: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7). One translation states it like this, "God's Spirit doesn't make cowards out of us. The Spirit gives us power, love, and self-control." The love of our Creator did not create us to surrender to fear but to let love control our fears. So can losing control really be such a bad thing?

And when you rise...stand up! Shine! Your new day is dawning. The glory of the LORD shines brightly on you" (Isaiah 60:1)!

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

I lost another 6 lbs! I want to cheer and say 'Yeah!', so why can't I? Am I tired of the plan? Yes! Already, not even 2 weeks in yet! Am I overwhelmed with knowing I have almost 3 more weeks on this, the first phase? Yes! And yet there will be many more to follow, since I have a monumental mountain of weight to lose! I know that physical fatigue (a result of low calorie intake)is a factor in the equation at this point which also affects me mentally and emotionally...and oh,the emotions. I feel as if they've hitched a ride with Billy (Family Circus), as he runs through the yard, his house and the entire neighborhood in every conceivable direction! And like Billy, I have made this trip much longer than it should have been in the first place.

What is the plan exactly? I am eating a VERY calorie-restricted diet (medically supervised) which severely limits the food choices I have, of course (this first phase is primarily liquids only). So boredom and frustration have entered the picture despite the 12 lb. success. You always say to yourself, "I would do whatever it takes to lose weight," but when it comes to doing it you begin to question the whatever. But then I realize...that's it! Doing whatever is better than doing nothing at all! And so I make the conscious choice to get happy. If I can't adjust my circumstances I can at least adjust my attitude!

I read recently, "The world isn't looking for perfect people--it's looking for people who just haven't quit." So what is my plan? Don't quit!

Bubbles of Love

I am predominantly a shower person but when the cold weather hits, I hit the bathtub - mostly to warm up! Water as hot as I can get it, a liquid that wraps me in soft fragrant bubbles, and my favorite music. Soon my body is warm and my mind is relaxed.

I am lucky enough to have a Garden Tub with lots of room to comfortably sink down into the warmth and immerse every frigid limb. But tonight as I soak away the cares of this world, I feel something uncomfortable and unfamiliar in my side. It feels like I may be laying on something. I could have sworn my sanctuary was free from all rubber duckies!? Upon investigating I discover the source of my discomfort...it's actually me! Or my rib cage (I think, LOL!). It would seem I have dropped just enough extra padding in the right place to actually feel my rib against the unyielding slope of the bathtub. Wow! (While I don't know what the total amount is thus far-I go to the doctor tomorrow for a weigh-in; the first 6 pounds, after only 3 days, was a welcome surprise.)

While I find this sensation unfamiliar, I do know what it's like to feel desperate, discouraged, and depressed when it comes to dieting. Feeling hopeful? Not so much. Hope brings excitement and with excitement, optimism. But these feelings are soon eclipsed by the fear of being too hopeful. Can I find success on this, yet another trip around my mountain? And if not, can I find love for myself?

I think that's the crux of my struggle with moving my mountain, the steepest part of the climb. The truth that I can find love and acceptance apart from my peformance has eluded my heart even if it has penetrated my brain. But don't we tend to judge all relationships based on performance? They can be a friend only if they do or say the right things? I will love them only if they demonstrate their love first? Waiters are tipped according to the level of service they provide. Stores earn our business based on the conveniences and benefits they can offer. We even reward our children when they meet or exceed our expectations. It's no wonder we base our own worth on what we can do, what we have or who we know.

So what is the basis of my worth? Am I worth more than a number on the scale or a shrinking tag size? I know what Truth says. Truth says I am highly favored, greatly loved and wholly accepted through the greatest performance of all time - Jesus' work on the Cross. Now if only I could rest in this Truth as easily as I rest here - in this warm bubble bath...

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions, eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

Oh how He loves so, Oh how He loves us, How He loves us so