The terrible twos. Any mom can attest this developmental stage in a toddler is real. Quick mood changes, frequent tantrums, and arguments about independence seem to outweigh the moments of blissful pride that accompany each passing milestone.
I can still vividly remember, even almost 20 years later, watching my son lay himself out on the floor of a store when I dared to interrupt him by insisting it was time to leave the toy department. Conversations consisted of the words "no", "mine" and "I do it"! And even though I knew his behavior was developmentally appropriate, it still didn't end my exasperation.
Fast forward almost two decades...and I'm still exasperated. Only this time I'm the one behaving like a two year old. Just as he didn't understand the intense range of emotions, which caused him to act out; I am genuinely feeling overwhelmed by my feelings and I feel as if I'm falling apart. And in reality, I think I would feel better if I could just lay down on the floor somewhere, kicking and screaming.
Let me back up a little to say that one of my worst fears was that sharing this struggle with others would somehow set me up for failure. Somehow that talking about something bad, can make it come true? So here I am, almost two weeks after my last post feeling out-of-control, pushing against the rules, limits and boundaries that are only there to help me succeed. But I won't lie, I'm ready to quit because I can't have my way.
After my second week of only 800 calories/day I actually gained a pound! Seriously? Why does it have to be so hard? To watch others eat whatever they want? Why do I want to sign up for this if I'm going to feel like a failure despite working so hard. So I stuck out my bottom lip, set my jaw and all-out rebelled. I did everything in complete opposition to what I knew to be right, for no other reason than just because I could. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. Oh, there were a few days I started out with good intentions but slipped right back into old patterns and behaviors, enjoying the feelings that the food fueled - even though temporary.
I was mildly surprised when I didn't gain any weight at the end of that third week (of course, I didn't lose any either). So with renewed determination, I set out, again, on the path that leads to my own personal mountain. But alas, I never made it past the place where my feet actually touched the ground. So, here I sit, sprawled out in the middle of the floor...easily frustrated, insisting on doing things my own way, unwilling to change my current activity, extremely demanding and persistent, fearful of but comfortable with my fears and behaviors.
...I just thought I was ready to let go and walk by myself.
