Ages & Stages

The terrible twos. Any mom can attest this developmental stage in a toddler is real. Quick mood changes, frequent tantrums, and arguments about independence seem to outweigh the moments of blissful pride that accompany each passing milestone.

I can still vividly remember, even almost 20 years later, watching my son lay himself out on the floor of a store when I dared to interrupt him by insisting it was time to leave the toy department. Conversations consisted of the words "no", "mine" and "I do it"! And even though I knew his behavior was developmentally appropriate, it still didn't end my exasperation.

Fast forward almost two decades...and I'm still exasperated. Only this time I'm the one behaving like a two year old. Just as he didn't understand the intense range of emotions, which caused him to act out; I am genuinely feeling overwhelmed by my feelings and I feel as if I'm falling apart. And in reality, I think I would feel better if I could just lay down on the floor somewhere, kicking and screaming.

Let me back up a little to say that one of my worst fears was that sharing this struggle with others would somehow set me up for failure. Somehow that talking about something bad, can make it come true? So here I am, almost two weeks after my last post feeling out-of-control, pushing against the rules, limits and boundaries that are only there to help me succeed. But I won't lie, I'm ready to quit because I can't have my way.

After my second week of only 800 calories/day I actually gained a pound! Seriously? Why does it have to be so hard? To watch others eat whatever they want? Why do I want to sign up for this if I'm going to feel like a failure despite working so hard. So I stuck out my bottom lip, set my jaw and all-out rebelled. I did everything in complete opposition to what I knew to be right, for no other reason than just because I could. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. Oh, there were a few days I started out with good intentions but slipped right back into old patterns and behaviors, enjoying the feelings that the food fueled - even though temporary.

I was mildly surprised when I didn't gain any weight at the end of that third week (of course, I didn't lose any either). So with renewed determination, I set out, again, on the path that leads to my own personal mountain. But alas, I never made it past the place where my feet actually touched the ground. So, here I sit, sprawled out in the middle of the floor...easily frustrated, insisting on doing things my own way, unwilling to change my current activity, extremely demanding and persistent, fearful of but comfortable with my fears and behaviors.

...I just thought I was ready to let go and walk by myself.

MercyMe - Beautiful

This is to remind me and many others who believe the lie that they have no worth or purpose more than they believe the Truth about who they really are. Your beauty is found in the cross of Christ and you have great worth apart from your performance on this earth...Jesus said so. And His words are forever written in blood.

Will the Defendant Please Rise?

Letting go. Letting go of bad friends, last year's clothes, and money - easy. Letting go of bad habits, extra pounds and our kids? Not so much. Why is it so hard? This thought raced around and around my mind today as we were driving to Wayland Baptist University in Plainview, TX for a Pigskin Preview Day (Woo-hoo! Football!) with Daniel, our middle son. All of my boys are still at home and despite all my joking about having the nest too 'well-feathered', I can think of nothing that brings me more joy than having them choose to stay at home while they attend a local college and make their future plans.

But now, there is a strong possibility that we could soon be one little birdie short of a full nest. The opportunity is awesome and his desire to move on to bigger challenges and new horizons is evident. But why now? And why does it seem more of a challenge to mom than son? After all, we have settled into a familiar routine of classes and jobs, shuffling cars to see who gets to drive the one with the best heater, eating dinner together and just hanging out. A controlled chaos! Could it be that letting go comes with too many fears? The fear of losing that control, however tight our grip may be?

Lots of fears lately. Afraid of heights, especially when I look down instead of up. Fear of finding out that the things and people you thought were forever, really aren't. Fear of trusting, people and God. Again. Fear of losing (the battle), fear of gaining (the weight), LOL!

FEAR. Someone once told me that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. It's when we start looking at everything but the truth that fear bangs the gavel. And everything is not always what it seems to be; especially when you invite God into your courtroom.

The university's coach quoted Scripture during his address to a room full of young men and their families who may be challenged to face their own mountains: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7). One translation states it like this, "God's Spirit doesn't make cowards out of us. The Spirit gives us power, love, and self-control." The love of our Creator did not create us to surrender to fear but to let love control our fears. So can losing control really be such a bad thing?

And when you rise...stand up! Shine! Your new day is dawning. The glory of the LORD shines brightly on you" (Isaiah 60:1)!

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

I lost another 6 lbs! I want to cheer and say 'Yeah!', so why can't I? Am I tired of the plan? Yes! Already, not even 2 weeks in yet! Am I overwhelmed with knowing I have almost 3 more weeks on this, the first phase? Yes! And yet there will be many more to follow, since I have a monumental mountain of weight to lose! I know that physical fatigue (a result of low calorie intake)is a factor in the equation at this point which also affects me mentally and emotionally...and oh,the emotions. I feel as if they've hitched a ride with Billy (Family Circus), as he runs through the yard, his house and the entire neighborhood in every conceivable direction! And like Billy, I have made this trip much longer than it should have been in the first place.

What is the plan exactly? I am eating a VERY calorie-restricted diet (medically supervised) which severely limits the food choices I have, of course (this first phase is primarily liquids only). So boredom and frustration have entered the picture despite the 12 lb. success. You always say to yourself, "I would do whatever it takes to lose weight," but when it comes to doing it you begin to question the whatever. But then I realize...that's it! Doing whatever is better than doing nothing at all! And so I make the conscious choice to get happy. If I can't adjust my circumstances I can at least adjust my attitude!

I read recently, "The world isn't looking for perfect people--it's looking for people who just haven't quit." So what is my plan? Don't quit!

Bubbles of Love

I am predominantly a shower person but when the cold weather hits, I hit the bathtub - mostly to warm up! Water as hot as I can get it, a liquid that wraps me in soft fragrant bubbles, and my favorite music. Soon my body is warm and my mind is relaxed.

I am lucky enough to have a Garden Tub with lots of room to comfortably sink down into the warmth and immerse every frigid limb. But tonight as I soak away the cares of this world, I feel something uncomfortable and unfamiliar in my side. It feels like I may be laying on something. I could have sworn my sanctuary was free from all rubber duckies!? Upon investigating I discover the source of my discomfort...it's actually me! Or my rib cage (I think, LOL!). It would seem I have dropped just enough extra padding in the right place to actually feel my rib against the unyielding slope of the bathtub. Wow! (While I don't know what the total amount is thus far-I go to the doctor tomorrow for a weigh-in; the first 6 pounds, after only 3 days, was a welcome surprise.)

While I find this sensation unfamiliar, I do know what it's like to feel desperate, discouraged, and depressed when it comes to dieting. Feeling hopeful? Not so much. Hope brings excitement and with excitement, optimism. But these feelings are soon eclipsed by the fear of being too hopeful. Can I find success on this, yet another trip around my mountain? And if not, can I find love for myself?

I think that's the crux of my struggle with moving my mountain, the steepest part of the climb. The truth that I can find love and acceptance apart from my peformance has eluded my heart even if it has penetrated my brain. But don't we tend to judge all relationships based on performance? They can be a friend only if they do or say the right things? I will love them only if they demonstrate their love first? Waiters are tipped according to the level of service they provide. Stores earn our business based on the conveniences and benefits they can offer. We even reward our children when they meet or exceed our expectations. It's no wonder we base our own worth on what we can do, what we have or who we know.

So what is the basis of my worth? Am I worth more than a number on the scale or a shrinking tag size? I know what Truth says. Truth says I am highly favored, greatly loved and wholly accepted through the greatest performance of all time - Jesus' work on the Cross. Now if only I could rest in this Truth as easily as I rest here - in this warm bubble bath...

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions, eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

Oh how He loves so, Oh how He loves us, How He loves us so

How to Climb a Mountain

Why is that when God calls me to fast I can give up food but to give it up for physical reasons, out of my own strength, I rank that right up there with climbing Mt. Everest, both take strength, endurance and sacrifice. Losing weight is not just a very large hill, it is a mountain...a cliff, an alp, an eminence, a mass, a peak. And it is HUGE! No ski lift to the top here! Climbing it will take no less preparation than if I were strapping on boots and grabbing a rappel device to begin a literal vertical ascent.

How to Climb A Mountain:
1. Train to be in good physical condition so that your body can easily acclimate itself to the changing atmospheric conditions. Know your body and the state of its health.
2. Become equipped. Make sure you have the right type of gear - rope, cord, proper shoes, gloves, helmets, etc. You must not forget preparing the right types and amounts of food and drink either. Basics and necessities should be carefully planned.
3. Research. Be aware of everything going on around you. Check out your surroundings and know where you are. Learn as much as you can about the mountain you are climbing such as the surrounding area, the weather patterns, and other things you may encounter on your climb such as plants and animals.

How to Climb a Moutain of Weight:
1. Know your body and the state of its health...it's when you gain this knowledge that you can grasp your need for optimum physical condition. Being in good physical condition will allow you to acclimate to changing circumstances and seasons in your life.
2. Become equipped. You need the right type of equipment both inside and outside of the kitchen. The right types and amounts of food and water, readily available will help ensure a plan for success. As well, proper fitness equipment and gear will enable you to do all that you can to reach your goal safely and efficiently.
3. Research. Learn all that you can about nutrition and exercise. Try different approaches to see how your body will respond. Be aware of your surroundings at all times so that you can plan a way of escape if needed.

I have spent so much time looking at my mountain and seeing only an obstacle. Now it's time to choose. I can hide in its shadow and do nothing; but there it will still stand, never changing in appearance or size when I step out of the darkness. As long as the mountain is casting a shadow it exists, pretending otherwise doesn't make it disappear. I can choose to go around the mountain but I will eventually find myself standing in the same place, faced with the same decision. No matter how many trips around the mountain I take, I will still be facing the same mountain. I can choose to go only half-way. It would definitely take less time and effort. However, I can only appreciate the climb if I can see the distance traveled. Not to mention the beautiful views that I can see only from the top. Or I can make preparations, gather my equipment, and put one foot in front of the other. After all that's how you climb a mountain...one step at a time.

Giddy Up!

"Saddle up your horses...Started out this morning in the usual way, chasing thoughts inside my head of all I had to do today, another time around the cirlce try to make it better than the last..."

Words from Steven Curtis Chapman, 'The Great Adventure'. And they certainly seem to fit the bill when describing my new adventure as well as mirroring my thoughts about regrets (yesterday's post). I will do my best to keep looking at it as an adventure although I must admit it seems like more of an eternal descent into the dark abyss, and it's only been 4 days, LOL!

This adventurous expedition, or quest, is a search for someone that I've never seen. Or maybe it's just been so long that I've forgotten what she looks like. I've caught glimpses over the years...but very brief and fleeting. I want to find me...find myself leaner...find myself healthy...find myself lighter. So now you know...just not the rest of the story - yet!

"Come on get ready for the ride of your life. Gonna leave long-faced religion (or the religion of dieting) in a cloud of dust behind. And discover all the new horizons just waiting to be explored. This is what we were created for."

Regrets Are for Sending Only!

I thought about starting a new blog-one to chronicle my newest adventure but that would somehow separate my life into compartments. And while I may have many responsibilties, wear many hats and have numerous interests, they all intertwine to make me - one individual lovingly created to be exactly who I am.

So...new year. New ideas, new thoughts, new dreams. But the older I become, each new year also seems to bring new regrets. I regret I didn't continue learning to play the guitar I received as a Christmas gift LAST year. I regret I didn't take more time to grow in God's Word and experience more of His presence. I regret not calling the long-distance loved ones in my life more often. Heck, I should have called the not-so-long distant ones more often, LOL! I regret that my house STILL isn't better organized. I regret not tending the fire of my heart and spirit, entertaining thoughts of failure more than thoughts of success. I regret blaming myself for the insecurities and wrong choices of others while letting them blame me for those choices. And the one thing I seem to regret, year after year, is not taking control of my body and health. How many times have I said, "This will be the year!"?

Some would call new choices in a new year, resolutions. But isn't everything, or at least how we respond to everything, a new choice? If, in fact this is true, then regrets are no different. I can choose to regret and spend a vast amount of time and energy mourning or longing something that could have been; or I can choose to resolve and be determined and purposeful. Regret the things I didn't do or resolve to do things differently? Hmmm...

The next time someone tells you that you can't do anything or even one thing in particular, send them your regrets. Even if that someone is you! I read or heard recently that we shouldn't count the things we do but make the things we do count. Gives new meaning to counting down the new year, doesn't it?

Oh, and about the new adventure...I'll keep you posted!